For as long as I can remember, something felt “off” when interacting with other people and participating in society. Everyone else seemed to be using some common, natural, social communication that was a blind-spot for me. e.g. eye-contact, facial expressions, flirtation, hints, jokes, nonverbal cues, playful jabs, reading-between-the-lines, sarcasm, small talk, smiling when appropriate, taking turns in speech, understanding intention, when to enter/exit a conversation, etc.
I did well in school and at jobs in terms of creativity, grades, quality, output, and productivity. Those things seemed to be fairly easy and natural to me, while others struggled. But I was hindered by social confusion.
I have always been haunted by anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and meltdowns because I could not quite figure out how to communicate and make social relationships work. I saw many counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists over the years.
It wasn’t until late adulthood that one therapist made a suggestion that perhaps I was on the autism spectrum. I didn’t pay much attention at the time because I just wanted to get back to work. Years went by, I had more anxiety, breakdowns, career problems, and depression and periodically returned to therapy while trying different medications. Another counselor made a comment that perhaps I was autistic – so I went to a neuropsychologist and a psychiatrist and both confirmed I had high-functioning autism.
I was in denial for a while, and so were some of the people in my life. More time went by, but eventually I could no longer deny reality. I started thinking about what it meant to be autistic. Once I accepted it, a lot started to make sense about myself:
- Fabric and noise sensitivity
- Getting obsessed with activities, thoughts, and topics
- Getting overwhelmed in public
- Getting upset when having to context switch before completion
- Having panic attacks
- Intense social anxiety, confusion, frustration, and misunderstandings
- Rocking and constantly picking at my scalp (stimming)
Now I am trying to figure out how to live with this accepted dimension – how to survive and find happiness as an autistic adult in a non-autistic world. Maybe I can help you or someone in your life find it too.
Note: I am not a licensed healthcare or legal professional, just a person with a lot of personal experience. Information I write to this blog is based on my opinion and personal understanding. It is meant to be a friendly guide, but should not be seen as source of medical or legal truth. It is a starting point to help assist people in choosing their own direction and opinions. I assume no responsibility for anyone causing harm to others or self as a result of opinions expressed on this blog.